WTF are you doing?

A few people have asked me wtf I’m doing recently pertaining to my “diet.” With multiple people asking me, I stopped to actually think about it. You can overlook one or two people asking, but multiple people makes me stop and think…What the fuck am I doing? I’ve gone back to the “dieting” mentality due to the frustration of my weight regain. I’ve removed items, removed food groups, gone gung-ho and found reasons why “this is the diet.” I have a garden full of produce I planted that I wasn’t going to eat because it’s not “on plan.” A tree full of ripe plums, tomatoes turning red, and blueberries ripening in the sun. I’m losing weight on a keto diet, but in all honestly – it won’t fix my legit food issues. I keep finding myself reading my post on Forgivness over and over again. I need to take my own advice. I am 30. I am fat. I have food issues. My goal weight won’t fix them. But – I am also beautiful no matter my size. I am worthy. And I am flawed. I must find moderation. I must find a middle ground. I must find my grey. So, yes, I have been extremely frustrated with my rate of loss and particulary frustrated with myself for the regain. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ve been through a lot in the last year, my body has been through a lot, be patient, be kind…

I know it’s in good faith, I know it’s kind, I know it’s the truth, but it isn’t okay anymore. At this point, it’s becoming an excuse. How long do you cut yourself slack before acknowledging you have to face the music? When do you stop frolicking in the ashes of the wagon you’ve fallen off and burned down? It’s not the number on the scale (or maybe it is, I dont know anymore), but what I do know is I’m not crazy about the way I feel about myself. The way I feel – not the way I look – the way I feel. I can feel the physical difference in my body. I’ve really felt it in spin – maybe it’s because I took a year off, but maybe it’s my weight. I saw this the other day and it resonated with me:

In all transparency, I started an anti-anxiety in combination with my anti-depressant (most antidepressants have an anti anxiety combo in them, mine doesn’t) exactly a week ago. It takes a full two weeks to kick in, but I’m starting to feel some relief. I’m hoping with the anti anxiety meds on board it’ll help me work through some of these eating issues. I bought this fit journal after seeing someone on Instagram with it because it’s both cute and inspiring. Two things I need in my life. I’ve made a grocery list full of good fruits and veggies, lean meats and whole grains. I’ve been back spinning three days a week and focusing on weights two days a week for two weeks now. I’m refusing to get caught up in my Cardio Queen cycle and make sure I dedicate time to strength training this time around.

Most importantly, I am trying my damnedest to stop focusing on the rate of loss or the number and focus more on the mindfulness and long term mental health of my weight loss.